So, now I’m experiencing a depression. I’m not quite sure exactly what caused this, but in my audio diary, by talking to myself, I probably understood what I was thinking. This starts with the non-stop quarantine in China.
It may be shocking, but what is happening is that my original university, Beihang University, is once again in a state of Quarantine. Students can’t even go out of their rooms. So, the thing is, Beihang has well over twenty thousand students. And they are all, for now, kept in the dormitory buildings, in their rooms, just because one single student was found positive during the test three, maybe four days ago. I was not even going to mention that they do the test every day, but I don’t know what is happening to people.
I may forget to mention that I’m currently living in France, for the double-diploma École Centrale de Nantes—Beihang University. And as I’m not really a party person, I don’t really have many French friends. So basically, I stay alone in my studio. I said I may be experiencing a depression because I can’t find the purpose of my life like 6 years ago. 6 years ago, I was in senior high. All I wanted to do is building my own bow, like the characters in the movies. It was so cool for me that a boy like me just can’t resist that. But at that time, I didn’t have the chance to be devoted to bows and arrows. And I also loved to play accordion. And my old accordion wasn’t responsive, and there wasn’t may sheet music for me to play with. Now it’s different. I’m able to choose any association I like, such as the archery club. I now own an electronic accordion, FR7XB, which is a decent model. But I’m not passionate as before. Like people will get tired of what they used to love.
I know that’s not true. Because nothing really stimulates me. I’m hoping to see my girlfriend every day, but I live in Nantes, and she lives in Lille. A round trip takes us 150 euros, and we really can’t afford that. I have to admit, this is the main cause. Last year, it was as if I were still in China, thinking about how to juggle a master’s degree with my studies as an engineer. I was near to sacrificing my life, I wasn’t in any clubs at that time. I didn’t like speaking French with people because I didn’t think I had anything to communicate with them personally at the time, and certainly not today. Furthermore, I always felt that I needed to do well on both sides in China and France. It’s like you need to leave yourself a way back. But it’s bad, like when I studied at Centrale Pékin. When you hope to gain both things, you can lose both at the same time.
For me, choosing China as the country where I live is obviously unlikely. The performance in the epidemic and Xi Jinping’s personal heroism and dictatorship, as well as the bureaucracy and formalism I, personally, experienced in Beihang, showed me a place that was not fit for me to live. In France, however, although we were free, I could not integrate into the local culture. Studying at an engineer school while trying to complete a master’s degree in China left me with neither a French education, which brought pain, nor did it make my master’s studies easier. It was just more trouble out of nowhere. I know it sounds conservative, which we don’t like, but I’d still say that Chinese culture and French culture are not very compatible. I mean socially, academically and politically. Likewise, I just want to live peacefully in a country that respects the individual, where I can stay with my girlfriend if I want to and do what I like in my spare time. But for international students, this is not very possible. Especially back in China, if the school and the government still insist on the blockade, the distance between me and my girlfriend could be greater than the distance between Nantes and Lille.
I apologize for being so negative today, but it’s time to get myself off my duff. Hopefully, this will help me out of my depression.